so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
false alarm, still single
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