@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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