this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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