the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
