'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
