Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize