I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
