she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize