you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
