Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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