i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
