The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
