I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
