If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
