a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
