I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
