I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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