You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
