i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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