I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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