One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
