We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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