Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
