She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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