You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
