If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
