found the other keg... it's in the tree
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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