saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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