All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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