Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
