You really coming over, don't trick.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're a waste of cheezeits
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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