Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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