all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize