You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
