She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
