Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
