Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
