I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
