so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
