I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
