I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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