i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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