I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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