I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have demons in me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
