Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
