and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
