I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
