11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
