she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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