I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize