I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
