chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
