seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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