Do you still have your period?
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
