Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
