You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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