I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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