Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
