xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
