Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
