I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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