I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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