Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
