Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
