hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Fuck appropriateness.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
