he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
