best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
